Thursday, September 3, 2009


I went climbing with a friend of mine last night and we got to talking about the whole dating thing. He’s married now. He said he always found people to date when he wasn’t looking and that when we are searching for a relationship our desperation can get in the way. I agree.

When it comes to me and my dating, especially right now with the Internet, I have finally come to terms with the fact that this is not a way for me to meet that “special someone” who I spend my life with. This is a way for me to learn a lot more about myself, dating, and guys. All are subjects that I could stand to learn quite a few lessons on. It feels really great to me to not have those unrealistic expectations this time around. That’s something that has really smote me in the past. I would meet someone on and expect that we were going to make things work forever just because there was an initial attraction/connection.

Yesterday, a girl came in my office and told me the advice her 15 year old brother gave her: “If you get a boyfriend, be careful because sometimes they will date you one minute and then change their minds really fast and not want to date you anymore.” It’s taken me a lot of years to catch up with these wise babes. I blame my stunted growth on all the Molly Ringwald movies I used to watch….

During this experiment, I’ve met a number of guys who expressed some level of attraction or interest in me but then never contacted me again. I look at these meetings with these guys as mostly being on a friend level. Even the ones I’ve smooched, I haven’t taken too seriously. I know in a couple of cases, I’ve had a lack of enthusiasm and the guys probably picked up on that. In other cases, I’m not sure why I’ve not heard back from them.

For example, the last time I saw The Doctor, things were starting to trickle into a more serious mode. He went away for 10 days and emailed me when he returned to say that he was taking a break from dating. I see him on the internet all the time. Is he really taking a break from dating? Was that the best he could do at telling me the true story?

I know it sucks to have to tell someone you’re not interested in them the way they may be interested in you. I’m grappling with a situation like that currently. I’ve told a number of guys that I don’t want to see them, or don’t want to go on another date with them. When we haven’t met in person or have only had one casual meeting, it’s easy enough to just say that I don’t feel we have a connection. Even after a few dates, maybe even after a decade of marriage, I think it’s fair to say “I’ve re-evaluated and just don’t feel there is a connection.” To me, it is far better to be honest about my feelings then to try to hide them like a lot of these guys I’ve met tend to do.

In my experience, guys seem to have a difficult time breaking up with girls, or at least with this girl. They will do it through actions but rarely through words. So, I am left wondering why and feeling confused. It is lovely for me now to take more of an observer role. Sometimes I still get frustrated, but no longer devastated, by the actions or lack of action I experience in dating these different guys. This time around, I’m getting exactly what I came for: lessons in love. I’m learning more about how this whole dating thing works for me, and I’m staying detached enough that I can see more of the big picture.

Lest I seem jaded, I am not giving up on the notion of me being in a committed, awesome relationship with someone. I have faith that the experiences that are given to me in this life are exactly right for me and that I am not going to be denied anything that I vitally need.

Lastly, if any of you are concerned as my climbing buddy perhaps was that I may be too desperate in my search for love, I say to you that I have nothing to be desperate about. I have all the love I need right here already.

1 comment:

  1. This is a strange blog. You write well and have an entertaining style, though I dont usually read such things. Maybe its not so strange, maybe its just strange for me to read it!